So once more someone has managed to spoil my generally good mood by being an asshole and pissing me off, who is this person you ask? None other than your's truly.
Now before people start saying, "You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You have to have good self esteem...blah, blah, blah." I just want to say I'm don't have a low self esteem (most of the time) and I'm not being hard on myself, I'm acknowledging my annoying behavior today and realizing how much I'm pissed off that I acted that way.
Why am I an asshole? I took on too many things at once and allowed them all to go craptastic on my part. these three things being, My Radio show, my participation in the SafeHaven Podcast, and catching up with a close friend.
Now I don't think I've properly pimped out the fact that I now am part of the SafeHaven crew. I have joined in to add to the geekery over at http://southernscifisociety.libsyn.com/ but more on that below.
So back to what I was saying, I ended up doing all of those things simultaneously, managing my radio show which was having issues of it's own what with me being stuck with fucking audacity to edit down my show. another side frustration was how long it took to break up since it was a whole 41 minutes as opposed to the average 30 minutes.
Anyway, I also was participating in SafeHaven, my frustration here was that I wasn't really contributing, I joined the crew hoping to add something to it, but I still have yet to move past the occasional humorous quip. I feel that I was just...there. I feel I should actively participate or just get gone. I'm not saying I don't want to be part of the crew, If any of the crew is reading this, know I want to be there, but I don't want to just sit there. Hopefully when we do the "Vampire Smackdown" episode as I like to call it I'll be much more active.
Also suffering due to my stupid idea to multi-task, was my show. I probably had the absolute WORST show ever tonight. first off I was not really minding the show as much as I was listening in on SafeHaven. On top of that I was running the latest Cybrosis off my Laptop, and for some reason It played but didn't register on the VU meters (if you don't know what any of this is, skip ahead to next frustration. At the moment I can't explain it with out getting irrationally pissed off at having to explain it) So I had no real idea if the audio was coming in at the right level. Additionally, because of my focus on SafeHaven I was hasty and sloppy in preforming my Radio Host duties of reading our Underwriting and PSA's (I refer you to the previous parenthesis) I made tons of rookie mistakes this time such as leaving my mic when I went and played an audio track, also not double checking I had the three tracks in the appropriate order and then having to skip over one leaving moments of unprofessional dead air and fumbling as well as confusion for the poor listener.
now as for the conversation, I ended up also talking to a friend who I haven't been in steady communication with as of late. I may have blown a chance to get to keep in touch with her as much as I like, because me being an asshole I ended up mostly ignoring her as she kept trying to message me via Facebook Chat. Now I was keeping track of a couple pressing matters and probably shouldn't have started the conversation in the first place knowing I was busy, but I figured I could keep track of everything. Unfortunately not. I ended up ignoring her for at least 15 minutes before she said she had to go. She said she had to get off the computer but a part of me just knew that It was mostly because of my rude asshole behavior. Just because I'm doing a radio station doesn't mean I can get away with ignoring my friends in that way, then just go I'm sorry and everything go back to normal. It was just rude of me to do.
You can try and tell me that everyone has off days and that I'm not an asshole, but I think I was an asshole. I mean all the events that pissed me off except for the technical difficulties were my fault and could have been avoided if I had been more responsible or had said, "Look, I can't juggle all of this I have to focus on what is most pressing"
On a new Tangent, I have recently had more stress in my life due to the fact that I have been taking on lots of projects and their responsibilities, I've already mentioned the Radio show and the Podcast but I haven't mentioned I am still taking on the role of writer and am supposed to be cranking out scripts for Furthest Edge in September, on top of that I should be studying for summer school.
Tomorrow is my last day of summer school where I find out if I pass the integrated science course I bombed last year. After tomorrow I get to enjoy a full three weeks before school starts up again. Yay, a whole three weeks were I can enjoy the sun and get out and see my friends - wait a second, I forgot I spend every hour of daylight at the radio station! Yup I haven't put myself in a situation to truly savor the summer and it's practically over already, another reason for me to be pissed off at myself.
On top of those things I still haven't completed a summer assignment I received for English because for the second consecutive year, I lost the fucking packet. way to fucking go Angel. Did I mention I piss myself off? Or that I have to pick up a retainer to replace the one I fucking lost when I recorded my last Anglemeister Chronicles Podcast?
So yea I'm really annoyed with myself right now. I'll probably take a nap and get over it tomorrow but I had to at least vent my feelings however erratic they may be. I'm sorry that this entry was both Erratic and Depressing (again, more reason to be pissed). I'll try to do better next time, hopefully I will have improved and be less of an asshole.
Time for my now trademark plugging of my social networks
you can contact me in the following ways:
Email me: anglemeister.lpz@gmail.com
Email my show: FEshow@kpdo.org
Follow me: http://twitter.com/Anglemeister
Ask me questions: http://Formspring.me/Anglemeister
5 years ago
