Back to your begining

I can't say how much I've missed writing here. I don't know how many people read this blog and over the years I've stopped caring, the current name of the blog reflects this, Anglemeister Chronicles, MY chronicles. I write what I want to write when I feel I need to write it. Today, I write not because I missed the blog, but because I felt compelled to. I felt compelled to return to a beginning of sorts for me. I cringe at my younger self's ideas about what constituted a blog post, yet I want to leave most of those posts up, as a reminder.

I've never kept a journal for more than a few hours. This blog fills that gap, I have changed so dramatically in these short three years that I am shocked. I've lost my way, it's hard for me to realize this but it is so apparent. I feel like I've worn and outgrown so many skins that I almost forgot what was always underneath. I think now is the time to become acquainted with myself. It seems scared is a reoccurring theme.

From the beginning, I am Angel. I come from two Mexican parents and I have one younger sister along with dozens of cousins, aunts, and uncles, and I mean baker's dozens. I love my family, no matter what they say or do. Whether or not I ever feel like I belong, whether or not I ever feel accepted, I love them. They love me, I'm sure, most of the time. I feel they are simply misguided at times, and I don't know if they trust a stranger like me to guide them through the unfamiliar.

Though, I have to wonder, why does my father act the way he does. He's frigid, he's comical. Where did this strain between us start?

My friends are my most treasured family. Like I said, I love my given family, but I would trust my life to my adopted family. Sometimes I worry though, if I matter as much as they matter to me. This family, I've collected and been collected by over the years, has always been an anchor in my life. Sometimes I sit back and watch my family, grateful. They have been there and understood me time and time again. I hope that even when our lives scatter us, we do not lose our bond.

I feel stress, all the time. I live with consequences of actions from a different Angel. I wish so often to go back and change, until I realize that I wouldn't be where I am without this. Thats how I push through it. I diminish my stress and my problems too often. I think, "that way, I don't have to worry. Compared to them, my problems are nothing." The question remains though, "Then why I am I so stressed by them?"

I am selfless, I am selfish. I want to hear about peoples troubles, to be there for them, as they would for me. I want to feel heard, to have someone to actually hear and feel what I go through, as I wish to do for others. I want to know about you, but I want to talk about me. I don't like to talk because I love to listen, but I want to say everything that's on my mind, even if it's weird, abnormal or downright creepy. I could listen to you talk for days. I can't stand the sight of you. I miss you all the time, but I wish you would go away for a long, long time. I want to hug you and cry on your shoulders when I've had a rough day, as if you were my mother and I your four-year old. I wish I could just shrink away, so no one would notice me as you spoke harsh truths you wouldn't admit. I love you, I hate you. This is for no one, this is for everyone. I can never make up my mind.

I've never wanted to off myself. I'm too scared. I appreciate this flawed life too much. The friends and new family. The potential I have. Even when all that crumbled around me, I was scared. Thank the gods for that, I have everything withing reach. For once I can see ahead with confidence and hope, whether those around me see what I see or not when it comes to my future.

I fall in love with people these days, not gender. Apply whatever title or label you wish, I no longer care, just don't tell my folks, I can't bare those looks, not again. My gender is male, but female and everything else as well. I don't think about it much anymore.

What I think about most, is him. I've known him so long, and know so little of him. I feel like a kindred spirit at times. At others, I can't believe who he is. I feel guilty, wanting to change him at times. Then, I realize I only want to make those changes because of other people, I don't care about those same things. I like him for who he can be. The drumming inside my head starts when I'm around you, my heart, I feel like you can hear it. Everyone can hear it, they must, the drumming, driving me crazy like the tick of a tell-tale heart, mine tells a tale as well. Years of yearning, of desire and confusion. You were my catalyst. If not for you, where would I be? I want to tell you, I must have confessed to all but you by now, if the drumming hasn't already. He must already know, I don't care I want to tell him. I wish there were less stigmatic words but I love him. I do, this must be what it feels like. I don't care at all for the heartache, it is of course, inevitable. He doesn't have the same, urges, as I do. No matter, I love him, and as such will be there for him. Whether he is for me. So I must tell you, face to face. I am scared. Please don't make this more difficult.

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Wow, I didn't know where this post was going to go direction-wise when I started and was completely surprised by how this turned into a letter to my friends - err family. I knew I would shed tears, but not that I would confess every muddled though I'd felt about everyone. No, this isn't scary, this is terrifying.

the dollhouse: A sick day musing

The funny thing about being ill, you have the wonderful opportunity to catch up on all that stuff that you've put off for longer than you care to admit but you are not usually in any condition to do any of this work to the best of your ability.

When you know you have homework in advance and have a day at home, you think it's the perfect time to do it. Annoyingly my home life consists of listening to my sister getting into some sort of mischief and my cousins coming over to see her only to jump around the house and yell like monkeys. Not a productive work environment.

Still, there is work to be done. Homework to do, stories to plan, and trying to get into some summer college programs. This last one is going to take away my longest period writing I think. I'm trying to take some classes over the summer to make up for those I've bombed and to clear up schedule for my senior year. I really want to spend as little time as possible there.

I hate saying that, especially since it's practically the only place I can see my friends but it's not a place I feel I will be able to stay on track towards graduating. Due to my own immature decisions my schedule was a mess this semester. Several of the classes I was supposed to take this semester were not given to me, some because I was given other classes that someone mistakingly assumed were at my level, and others because of a conflict with another class I needed to take. I've tried to sort out the ordeal with my classes and found it's been a much more difficult task to accomplish than it ever should be when the reasons are logical.

 As much as I'd like to throw out blame in every direction other than mine, most of this scheduling headache could have been prevented with a little more self-discipline. however, a friend pointed out that I was only one of too many students with scheduling conflicts this semester which I did find a bit... curious. Many of my friends took to attending local community colleges to get the credits they need to graduate. This has resulted in seeing them for the first half of the day only. While the majority of my circle of friends is still around it does still feel emptier.

I know at some point we will all go our separate ways, but I felt that it would come after we were finally free of our dollhouse. But already some actives are being let out of their contracts in pursuit of the real world and I have to wonder if I want to take the first chance out, or make sure everyone makes it out alright.

My sick day musings. If I were sick more often I'd make this a segment of my blog or a column. I'm not sure what it would be called.

Electric

I'll just say right now, I'm feeling electrified all over. Driving tends to do that to me, whenever my parents take me driving I just mellow out and focus on keeping the car between the lines on the road. Today I went and followed my usual bus in my mom's car. It takes a road away from the center of town to drop of people who live further out in Pescadero. So, I followed the but, turned where it normally does to head back into town and took the car all the way back home. Now this isn't that exciting for most people but it did leave me with electricity running all over me. I felt like I could conquer anything and that I would.

Those are words that are comforting to me with my current task at school. I have to yet again transfer out of two classes that a) I no longer need and b) serve no purpose for me to take again. Minor inconvenience that made this shorter school day drag on endlessly.

You know that book Geist by Philippa Ballantine that I was gonna review? I just found out that I won another copy of the book. It shall be signed by her along with a sweet treat from New Zealand (Most likely not signed). This makes 3 print copies of the book plus 1 eBook. I feel like I should give some away but each is significant to me in some way or another. Oh and before I forget, she's going to be in San Francisco doing a book signing Saturday, February 19th. I'd be more excited about this except that I think I'm going to be in Sacramento during that time. I know I'm already getting a signed copy, but I'd still like to meet Pip and get the other copies of Geist signed. Sigh.

As far as the review is coming, I've started it but I'm waiting to see what the book review requirements in my English class are so that I can use my review for a grade in class. It shall be appearing on this blog shortly.

I also found (almost) all of my old stories from middle school. I'm hoping they'll be able to help me through this creative drought I'm experiencing. Repeat sigh.

Still, I'm feeling quite electrified. What about you?

Email me: anglemeister.lpz@gmail.com
Email my shows: FEshow@kpdo.org or AbstractDiscourse@gmail.com
Follow me: @Anglemeister
Ask me questions: http://Formspring.me/Anglemeister

50: The Exhilaration

Ah, it's here once again. 50 blog entries, in 2 1/2 years. I made this post sometime in the summer, back when I had decided to leave all my 3 word blog entries from my first year of blogging when I was just a middle schooler. Good times. So sometime after the original 50th post, I went back and deleted and combined certain entries and was set back at least 13 entries. Since then most of my blogs have been with purpose. Some nonsense entries from year 1 are still there but the reasoning is that almost all of them where pure nonsense. June 17th, 2008 I opened this blog up to use for writing. In the early days that worked out to varying degrees. Nearly 3 years later I have 50 entries that grow longer and longer and become less about my writing and more about me. I never thought that would happen.

I don't always talk about myself so looking through these posts and seeing just how much of me is being shared, my jaw drops. Still there are things I haven't shared but that's to be expected. This was my place for creative fiction writing and now it's my place for creative journaling and opinion writing. I still am growing as a writer by blogging. I've found myself expanding my word count by blogging. I think if I hadn't blogged for 2 years before I never would have reached 42,000 words last November when the year before I'd only logged in 50. I smile when I see this blog. It was my first creative accomplishment. I put in a lot of time trying to alter the blog the way I have it now. I didn't spend hours at a time but 20 minutes here and there, still I did that over the course of 2 1/2 years.

This isn't up to the standards of certain Wordpress or even some Tumblr blogs but it is mine. The header you see above I made myself. the URL comes from a nickname I got in middle school that just stuck with me. The actual blog name refers to what the blog content became. The font, is the same as the TV show Angel, I figured since the main character has the same name as me and it is one of my favorite shows I should incorporate that into my blog. I don't know why I chose the color yellow but I do love blogs with darker backgrounds. Also the simplicity of the theme or layout is what I like about it as well. There's not a lot of flashy distractions, just lots of blog entries. The widgets on the right are the equivalent of wallpaper in your bedroom. decorative stuff that displays a little more about you and your personality. Not to mention some stats that make me proud.

I get a rush of excitement when I hit the 'Publish Post' button on blogger. It just feels good, my way of putting myself out there. I don't get hordes of readers but that's no big deal (most of the time) I just enjoy blogging. I did it off and on again when I first started but now that I read more blogs I just find myself itching to write entries all the time. I've never adhered to schedules of any sort on here, especially self imposed schedules. I just can't. I can whip one up if I have a clear thought as to what I want to write but I can't say that I'm going to post something about blah-blah-blah on the date of something-or-other. With the exception of my previous New Years Day post, I always write them the day I post them. I've also had times where I've had so many things I wanted to write about in one day but I let too much time pass the inspiration drifts away.

Basically, I am proud to have written 50 blog posts and look forward to the next 50, and the next 100. Anglemeister Chronicles isn't going away anytime soon, it may go on hiatus or just go dark at times but it will always be dusted off and played with again.

So in other news, I started driving again. Yea, I'm sixteen and still haven't gotten a license or anything. For awhile I really didn't like driving, but now I love it. It's exhilarating. I don't really give a damn about the freedom of not relying on my parents to drive me places, although that could be convenient next time I have to drive in a guest for my radio shows. What I really love is the idea of just moving in a car and being in control of something. Getting to control where I'm going, and yes getting there faster than walking or biking. I actually hope my parents keep making time to take me driving more often.

Also, I mentioned that I finished the book, “Geist” by Philippa Ballantine. I wanted to say that I'm going to be reviewing it on Abstract Discourse as soon as I get my co-host Shannon back so I can give her a copy of the book so we can review it together on the show. Before this though, I am going to write up my own book review for Geist to post on Anglemeister Chronicles. I have never done a serious book review outside of school so this is going to be a bit of a challenge for me. I've read a few book review blogs so I'm hoping that helps. I don't want to copy the blogger’s reviewing style so I'll have to watch myself on that. I think I could get extra credit for the review in my English class.

I recently joined Goodreads.com, it's a site where people can add virtually add books to their profile and update on their reading progress then rate and review the book. It's really fun and a great way to keep track of what's on my reading list. You can see my Goodreads widget on the sidebar, so far only stuff on my 2010 Reading Challenge list is on there. Also about that, the 2010 Reading Challenge is now the 2011 Reading Challenge. I knew it was a lot of books. I may take down the reading list page and devote a Goodreads widget to the 2011 Reading Challenge page.

It seems I'm going to be doing a lot of maintenance on the Anglemeister Chronicles. It'll be little stuff here and there but expect some tweaking of the content in the coming weeks.

Email me: anglemeister.lpz@gmail.com
Email my shows: FEshow@kpdo.org or AbstractDiscourse@gmail.com
Follow me: @Anglemeister
Ask me questions: http://Formspring.me/Anglemeister

New Years Resolutions

A new year, new resolution. New resolutions, new disappointments. Everyone loves to make these big resolutions about how they're going change. How they're going to lose weight, be a better person, that kind of stuff. Unfortunately, as soon as the holidays end and you return to the monotony of school or work, all your plans go out the window, why? Everyone wants to improve but very few people actually accomplish they're goals. How do these people do it? What makes them so special? Nothing, they're regular people like you and me, but they posses a secret skill that's been hiding in plain sight. It's what allows them to buckle down and get stuff done and achieve their goals. What is this super secret skill? Everyone knows what it is but they pass it by. I only recently took this skill and used it to my advantage. That horrible thing called Time Management. We hear it from teachers all the time. "You'd get more stuff done if you used your time wisely!" They say. Well you can refuse it all you want but they're absolutely right. I wrote most of a novel in 30 short days last November, that was a test in time management. If you look closely at your daily routines, you can clearly see where time isn't being used to it's fullest extent. I'm a huge procrastinator, ask any of my teachers, so I almost always have time to get stuff done. I could go on defending why I waste time when it comes to school but that's not my point here. My point is, even teenagers with packed schedules can get stuff done with these two words in mind.

Nothing important comes without a price to pay. This is what always trips up us procrastinators out there. We don't want to give some things up, especially our Me Time. Last November I learned that I had to give up a few things in order to even make a dent in the novel. What I gave up that month was time at the radio station that I love, I gave up some of my reflection time, where I normally examine my life and figure out what to do about my problems and how to do my homework more efficiently (Read: Daydreaming). Now, I love the station dearly but I didn't have to put in 10+ hours a week. My reflection time was a little harder to give up. That time is when I unwind or solve my problems. Also its when I decide what I want to write my next story about. Unfortunately, brainstorming isn't writing so I gave that time up.

What can you give up? There's always something. I know that it can be hard, none of us want to sacrifice things we love for far off goals, but they won't get done if we don't do it ourselves. It's just a matter of where are your priorities? So, if you can be willing on making a few sacrifices to achieve some goal, I'll be happy to do it alongside you. I'm not saying I'll be working on the same goal as you but, I'll make a goal and stick with it if you will? Mine would have to be, improving some of my low grades, and I'm not just saying that because some teachers read this. What are YOUR resolutions for 2011?

New Years Eve on New Years Day

I know it is no longer new years eve but I couldn't get this one up in time. Although it was WRITTEN on new years eve, so there.

I figure that if I'm going to have a new years day entry on the blog I may as well write a new years eve one as well. I can still remember with clarity where I was this time last year. Sometimes I think I must be dreaming, other times I hope I am.

I remember that my sister was only 14 days old last new years, I'd only known her for 2-3 of those 14. Even then, I knew that she was what I had waited around so long for. Every smile she gave me filled me with life. I wanted to be better, for her and no one else. I still think that so much of what I've done, has to do with her. She gave me the strength to make this year what It turned out to be. The time of my life.

It was a year of firsts all around. My first sibling, my first internship, my first radio show, my first concert, my first novel. My first promotional book review.

I had never thought that I would learn anything about radio and audio production, or have a radio show myself, let alone two. I had no idea I would get to meet so many amazing people because of it, or that I would consider them friends. Who knew I would be sent a free copy of a book to review for a show? I did finish the book by the way.

I wrote a novel this year. Well most of one. I went farther than ever before with a story and met so many cool authors because of it, either online or at the Night of Writing Dangerously event during NaNoWriMo.

I went to my first concert and saw a person I never thought I'd ever see in the flesh. Shakira did make up part of my childhood and seeing her live was so surreal that I had to pinch myself more times than I can count.

I also grew up in many ways and I lost my way, only to find it again. 2010 wasn't all a picnic. I made several mistakes along the way. For one, I royally fucked up my grades, something I'm still trying to fix. I found myself concerned over my mental and emotional state at times.

Luckily I always found the light at the end of the dark tunnels I stumbled into. That's what I want for 2011.

This coming year I'm going to stop stumbling in the dark, afraid to keep going in case what's beyond the light isn't great. I don't know what I'll find at the end of the tunnel but I know that it's the only way to go. I'll be running straight towards the light. I'm going to work my ass off in 2011, but this time I'm not going at it alone. I will be running on the encouragement and support of the people I count on. I may be uncertain of the destination but I'm through crawling my way there. I'm excited for what's to come and who I'll be when I get there.

Email me: anglemeister.lpz@gmail.com
Email my shows: FEshow@kpdo.org or AbstractDiscourse@gmail.com
Follow me: @Anglemeister
Ask me questions: http://Formspring.me/Anglemeister