I've been thinking

...About vampires. No I haven't but I felt like making a not that vague reference to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don't have much to report these days that I'm between plots. I'm on winter break so I have one less thing to stress about during the holidays, thank some deity for that. I always take this break as a chance to finally breath. I'm not saying that I don't usually breath, in fact I'm kind of a fan of that activity. What I meant was that I am always wrapped up in something. Usually it's building my stories, often writing, frequently school, occasionally radio, reading books, and anywhere else that it will fit, listening to podcasts. I don't let myself just take a breather often. I'm perpetually charging. Like this:


I'm always plugged into some project or task that I can't just let myself be these days. The holidays are a time of being around the people you love, be it friends, family or both. They're also a time for reflection, especially new years.

Part of this post I think has a lot to do with me running out of media to consume for the break. Usually when I start running out I binge and download about 10 new things to listen to and a handful of shows to watch. Right now I'm almost out. I know where I want to go next to get another fix, but there are other things that need me right now. Like my writing. My novel still needs a couple thousand words. My radio show, needs new content. More urgently, I need to stop being plugged into a wall just charging for a quiet day and get out and use up my battery. On the other hand I do need to slow down a bit and be aware of my surroundings.

Today began unlike most others. I was woken up several times before I finally melted out of bed. I ate mundane breakfast and watched a few DVD's. I didn't burst out of bed dashing all over and buzzing about what I was going to do today. I just enjoyed a morning to myself. No interruptions. After this I had lunch, showered and got on with some of the audio editing I needed to do for my show. That was it. I did go to the station and listened to podcasts still unheard but other than that I surfed the web. It was an unambitious day, but it was good. I liked having a day where I went wherever my mood felt I should and there was nothing stressing me out. Just a nice and cloudy day.

I think I've gloated about my day enough, and meandered plenty. Go ahead and comment, not many do. I won't put in my contact info, most readers already know it. If you don't, check out the contact info page, or every other recent post. I'll have a better and more coherent entry later this week. Well, coherent for me.

Stream of near unconsciousness

A novel, a full 50,000+ word novel. I tried so hard but in the end came about 9,000 words short. I'm not utterly ashamed, after all I only wrote 50 words last year. I am however a tad disappointed, I try to not compare myself to the writing of my friends but it's hard when they both hit over 50k and you don't. Granted I wasn't the only one of my writing buddies who didn't make it. One friend simply stopped because the story did t work for him and he moved on to something else. Another simply had more pressing matters seeing as how she will be graduating this year. Still, I had plenty of spare time that I did not use out of confusion and laziness. I truly do know now that writing a novel is much trickier than a simple story scene. I am going to finish the last 9,000 words of... Well, rubbish. There is no other way to describe it. When you only have 30 days to write a whole novel it tends to be less than brilliant. I'll admit some things I'm proud of, but most of it will never be shown to the public, not until I've gone through it at least twice. Okay, being honest I'll go through it once then ship it off to m friends to help me figure out what else isn't working.

What's the point? What am I going to do with it once it's pretty? Well I'm going to get it published of course. I don't know if I'll be writing query letters and all that stuff for this novel, at least not for the time being. No, I would like to explore the ePublishing and Print on Demand world first. I don't live in a big place, nor do I know many people. If I were to get something worked out with a publishing house - which to me sounds like crazy talk - I don't think it would sell as well as expected to. This negative thought is because I don't know much about promoting a book. Yes this is something that can be learned but I still feel drawn to the ePub and PoD world because of what I've found there. I've come across many wonderful stories that were ePub and/or PoD and I want to be a part of it, start off in a slightly smaller pool and work my way up. Agreed eBooks, PoD, and Publishing houses all have their pros and cons but I want to take baby steps.

I have already found a path to publication and I am excited for it. I do hope my age does not effect the decision of whether my novel Cairn is published or not. I know that there have been authors my age or younger, but I still can't help but be a bit nervous about such things. Although I guess I should simply focus on making the best novel I can and walk confidently.

I have been promising entries about the Night of Writing Dangerously and a full NaNoWriMo retrospective, but I have been in full on recovery mode and at the same time been trying to do what I could for KPDO's winter pledge drive. I've been with this radio station since April and this is the second pledge drive we've done. It's been almost 7 months I think since we've been on the air. I definitely have grown up a bit from interning there and would love to keep doing what I love. I may occasionally bitch about some of the obligations but at the end of the day I still love the place and the people I wouldn't have met otherwise. I'm practically married to the place, aren't I? Well its the closest I think I'll ever get, but that's another story entirely. I would love it if you would take the time to donate to the station by calling (650) 646-5736 or going to http://KPDO.org/ trust me it is worth the money. Not only are we still giving away awesome prizes but we have the most eclectic mix of shows I've ever heard from a radio station! Music, gardening, spirituality, healthy aging, radio drama, talk shows about speculative fiction, news and so much more! Please, do this student a favor and donate whatever you can. Tis the season after all.

Sorry I got a bit preachy with that. What was I saying about not knowing how to promote? Ah well I guess I know a little bit about how to promote but enough about that I guess. I don't really have a point to this blog entry other than keeping my chronicles freshly updated. I have been reading a bit more now, I finished book 3 of the William Carter Series called Carter's Shadow. It is a well written book by a Mr. Christopher Patrick Lydon. I don't think I could fit a proper review for it but he is quickly becoming another of my favorite authors. Also my copy of book 3 of the Devouring series, Fearscape arrived in the mail this week. Funny how I finish one 3rd book and start on another. Anyways Fearscape is speculative fiction so I think I will be able to review it for my show Abstract Discourse. I have been Waiting a long time for this book so I'm finding it hard to put down.

To end on a more personal note, I am once again having feelings. Wow doesn't that sound depressing. Allow me to clarify, I have been having feelings of mixed attraction and sadness. Now, these are feelings that are both related and not. This attraction to a person I know has been a recurring feeling, one that's been a defining attraction in my life. It's been unrequited and shall forever be that way. I hate to sound melodramatic but that's how it is. It's not a matter of being bold and asking the person. It's quite clear that nothing will ever happen for certain differences in what we find attractive. Truth is, we don't match and I don't want to further build up the icy wall of awkwardness. Its not so much that I can't speak to him because I'm attracted to this person, as much as it's that I really don't know what to say to them other than the occasional joke. Bottom line is, i'm once again attracted to someone and I can't have them. I've accepted this, but it still saddens me. While I do have phases of sadness at the fact, I try to direct my attention to more useful tasks.

Addressing my sad feelings, well most people don't really know how my emotions work. Basically, online and with my friends I allow myself to feel the joys of emotion and sometimes exaggerate my personality. At home and in private, I stuff the emotions into a box for later. I grew up being told to stop crying well into 5th grade. Since then i've always kept my emotions bottled up so I could focus on the tasks at hand and dealt with all of the emotions later. Some would say that's unhealthy, and I could agree. Yet this has somehow worked for me most times. I've trained myself to the point where I'm just automatically assumed to be polite and trustworthy, two valuable traits to be earned. Its allowed me to make bonds with people quickly and almost effortlessly, but at what cost. Everyone has their highs and lows, but it seems to me that my lows just seem to come at the smallest of things and stick with me.

This morning I had an incident in which my dad started to scold me for being so passive. I have recently just started to keep myself restrained and let him vent, only speaking when spoken to, and only then in neutral words. Something about what he was trying to say effected me though, which itself was unusual. He made me feel like I was a little kid again who he was scolding for something small unexpectedly, I had the urge to cry. Not just a couple of tears, but a long sob. I did not cry, years of practice had prevented another lecture about how men don't cry.

His words somehow triggered this. The old emotions of feeling inadequate no matter how hard I'd try. I've always aimed to please my parents, with mixed success. They aren't the bad guys I make them out to be. No one is, but it is hard to please them sometimes. I think as a result I've become hard on myself. I always doubt my talents, especially when it comes to writing.

One would suggest not striving to please them but that would involve me going up on college, which I don't want. I do avoid trying to only please them and instead try to focus on pleasing myself, but not in a sexual or narcissistic way.

One night, not long after I had turned sixteen, my mom told me that I'd changed a lot in the past year. I simply gave her a knowing nod before returning my attention back to the TV.

It was an understatement really, but she had no idea. While it was true I had changed a lot outwardly, I had also changed so much internally, secretly of course. I've had so many secret ups and downs that I never shared with the closest of friends. Hopeful, joyous thoughts and terrifyingly dark thoughts.

The past year in a lot of ways was a rough one for me, and while it's still a while before new years but I do look forward to the better days ahead. There are so many things I can look forward to it's sometimes a wonder to me how I can ever feel so sad.

This blog entry is the perfect example of what my emotions are like beneath the surface. Quick and ever flowing in digressive currents. Then again, this is what happens when I randomly decide to write up a surprise entry. Of course this is my journal, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it. Excuse any spelling or grammatical errors, I'm typing on an iPod and not MS word but I'm trying. If I catch something on here I'll correct it myself but if you notice something let me know!

By the way, as I wrote this, I was reading it with a British accent. I did use words that aren't commonly used in the UK as much but I wrote it in an accent nonetheless. Try writing or reading with an accent, it's fun.

It's late, and I have school tomorrow so I am going to end the train wreck here with the now familiar contact info. Don't forget to comment on this blog!

As always, my contact info:

Email me: anglemeister.lpz@gmail.com
Email my shows: FEshow@kpdo.org or AbstractDiscourse@gmail.com
Follow me: @Anglemeister
Ask me questions: http://Formspring.me/Anglemeister

Dangerous Writing and Reading

16,110 words. 19 days. I haven't been keeping up with my word count as I should have. I've been slowly grinding my writing wheels at a leisurely pace. From where I stand now I can see the icy winter shores of December right on the horizon. Now more than ever, I have to furiously spin the wheels of my imagination. The literary tapestry I'm weaving is not even close to finished, but I have to hurry. Time is slowly running out.

I attempted NaNoWriMo last year, it was a failure. In fact, it failed so epically that it had to be called an Epic Failé. The accented e is reserved for the most epic of failures in my circle of friends. Now, yes I failed to write a novel last year, this is my motivation for writing at the moment. I have to finish. I need to prove I can do this. That and on my show two Tuesdays ago on Abstract Discourse I said if I didn't finish that I would be punished live on air, but not in THAT way. I mean there's a window, and polite company, god you guys! Sick bastards.

Moving on, this Sunday I'm going to have the perfect writing environment at the Office of Letters and Light's Night of Writing Dangerously.

For those of you who are barely familiar with NaNoWriMo, the Night of Writing Dangerously it's a writing event held in the Julia Morgan ballroom in San Francisco. six straight hours of writing. With raffles and snacks, and tons of writers I can talk to. Or ignore, my choice. If all goes well, my word count will get a maximum 9,000 word boost. If not, I'll still probably have a decent word count boost, plus I'll have met some new people, some of whom, I can hopefully brainwash into joining my Furthest Edge project. A small side note, no news to announce as far as thats concerned except that I've only got two episodes left for this year, weird. So writing, I hope to be doing a lot of it this weekend to catch up.

School is being a pain in my ass, right when I get involved in writing a novel and commit to it, the classes pile it on. I can't answer how many tests I'm taking in the next week and a half. Or the amount of assignments due. I wish I could put all that aside and get to it when I get to it. My grades aren't taking this novel too well. Well only two classes, but they're important ones. My growing apathy isn't helping either. Once upon a time I was eager to go to school, then somewhere along the way I lost that. I could blame the teachers, but for the most part that's not it. I think it's the reality of it all. As time ticks ever so slowly, I'm constantly told that this is important for my future. That it's all riding on how I do this year. I want to write. That's all, I just want to write until I collapse. I feel good when I write, It's more satisfying than turning in a research paper. Or getting a math problem right. I know I should care about that, and to an extent I do, it's just that things are different now, I'm different. I don't have the enthusiasm, Writing is the crack I'm addicted to and I can't get enough. When I'm writing or I'm talking on the radio, it's a rush. I feel such freedom. It's my way to unwind. It relaxes me. It stresses me out at times, frequently actually. Yet, I feel so calm when I just talk with my co-host every week. As much as I love all this though, much to certain people's shock, I don't want to do that for a living.

I once posted a facebook status that went, "I love it too much to want to do it professionally."

At the time I felt that there was too much pressure around jobs and I didn't want my favorite pastime turn into a weekly stress inducing time suck.

Anyways, that's my lament for this post. I have been reading again, last week I talked about books with my co-host Shannon Bowman-Sarkisian and I was motivated to finish off some of the books on my shelf. The Girl in the Arena was one of those books. if you listened to that show, then you know I did not think highly of the book. I soon realized that this was because I stopped right before the story picked up. It is not a magnificent book but it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be. I will be making that clear next Tuesday in my next book review.

I've also been popping back into some of my favorite books, Vintage: A Ghost Story and The Twilight Gods. both paranormal LGBT books, both really close to my heart as a reader. Despite the fantastical situations in the books, I often related to the emotions and confusion and angst that comes from being a teenager. Both were stand alone books, both felt too short, by the end I had fallen in love with the characters and just wanted them to keep going.

So I guess, if any of this spoke to you in any way, comment below. or contact me via all the methods at the end of this post. I also want to pose a question to you readers, what books are your favorites and why. Do you occasionally go back and stroll down memory lane with the characters?

Next week expect me to blog a little about the Night of Writing Dangerously.

Contact me in the following ways:
Email me: anglemeister.lpz@gmail.com
Email my shows: FEshow@kpdo.org or AbstractDiscourse@gmail.com
Follow me: @Anglemeister