I can't say how much I've missed writing here. I don't know how many people read this blog and over the years I've stopped caring, the current name of the blog reflects this, Anglemeister Chronicles, MY chronicles. I write what I want to write when I feel I need to write it. Today, I write not because I missed the blog, but because I felt compelled to. I felt compelled to return to a beginning of sorts for me. I cringe at my younger self's ideas about what constituted a blog post, yet I want to leave most of those posts up, as a reminder.
I've never kept a journal for more than a few hours. This blog fills that gap, I have changed so dramatically in these short three years that I am shocked. I've lost my way, it's hard for me to realize this but it is so apparent. I feel like I've worn and outgrown so many skins that I almost forgot what was always underneath. I think now is the time to become acquainted with myself. It seems scared is a reoccurring theme.
From the beginning, I am Angel. I come from two Mexican parents and I have one younger sister along with dozens of cousins, aunts, and uncles, and I mean baker's dozens. I love my family, no matter what they say or do. Whether or not I ever feel like I belong, whether or not I ever feel accepted, I love them. They love me, I'm sure, most of the time. I feel they are simply misguided at times, and I don't know if they trust a stranger like me to guide them through the unfamiliar.
Though, I have to wonder, why does my father act the way he does. He's frigid, he's comical. Where did this strain between us start?
My friends are my most treasured family. Like I said, I love my given family, but I would trust my life to my adopted family. Sometimes I worry though, if I matter as much as they matter to me. This family, I've collected and been collected by over the years, has always been an anchor in my life. Sometimes I sit back and watch my family, grateful. They have been there and understood me time and time again. I hope that even when our lives scatter us, we do not lose our bond.
I feel stress, all the time. I live with consequences of actions from a different Angel. I wish so often to go back and change, until I realize that I wouldn't be where I am without this. Thats how I push through it. I diminish my stress and my problems too often. I think, "that way, I don't have to worry. Compared to them, my problems are nothing." The question remains though, "Then why I am I so stressed by them?"
I am selfless, I am selfish. I want to hear about peoples troubles, to be there for them, as they would for me. I want to feel heard, to have someone to actually hear and feel what I go through, as I wish to do for others. I want to know about you, but I want to talk about me. I don't like to talk because I love to listen, but I want to say everything that's on my mind, even if it's weird, abnormal or downright creepy. I could listen to you talk for days. I can't stand the sight of you. I miss you all the time, but I wish you would go away for a long, long time. I want to hug you and cry on your shoulders when I've had a rough day, as if you were my mother and I your four-year old. I wish I could just shrink away, so no one would notice me as you spoke harsh truths you wouldn't admit. I love you, I hate you. This is for no one, this is for everyone. I can never make up my mind.
I've never wanted to off myself. I'm too scared. I appreciate this flawed life too much. The friends and new family. The potential I have. Even when all that crumbled around me, I was scared. Thank the gods for that, I have everything withing reach. For once I can see ahead with confidence and hope, whether those around me see what I see or not when it comes to my future.
I fall in love with people these days, not gender. Apply whatever title or label you wish, I no longer care, just don't tell my folks, I can't bare those looks, not again. My gender is male, but female and everything else as well. I don't think about it much anymore.
What I think about most, is him. I've known him so long, and know so little of him. I feel like a kindred spirit at times. At others, I can't believe who he is. I feel guilty, wanting to change him at times. Then, I realize I only want to make those changes because of other people, I don't care about those same things. I like him for who he can be. The drumming inside my head starts when I'm around you, my heart, I feel like you can hear it. Everyone can hear it, they must, the drumming, driving me crazy like the tick of a tell-tale heart, mine tells a tale as well. Years of yearning, of desire and confusion. You were my catalyst. If not for you, where would I be? I want to tell you, I must have confessed to all but you by now, if the drumming hasn't already. He must already know, I don't care I want to tell him. I wish there were less stigmatic words but I love him. I do, this must be what it feels like. I don't care at all for the heartache, it is of course, inevitable. He doesn't have the same, urges, as I do. No matter, I love him, and as such will be there for him. Whether he is for me. So I must tell you, face to face. I am scared. Please don't make this more difficult.
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Wow, I didn't know where this post was going to go direction-wise when I started and was completely surprised by how this turned into a letter to my friends - err family. I knew I would shed tears, but not that I would confess every muddled though I'd felt about everyone. No, this isn't scary, this is terrifying.
5 years ago
